Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Evolved (NR - 2006)

The Evolved is labeled as a comedy, but I have NO idea why. One of the first scenes involves full frontal male nudity, a box cutter, and an actor’s under-reaction so extreme, you’ll wonder if maybe he didn’t realize what was supposed to be happening to his genitalia.

Skipping mercifully ahead (as soon as you see the box cutter), you will find a wheelchair-bound, alcoholic ventriloquist's dummy with a falsetto voice too high for comfort. Keep skipping. If somehow you’ve gotten to Detective Danny Glover (just a character name—do not make the mistake of thinking this film has any real actors) bringing the dummy to bed, do yourself a favor and skip, skip, skip!

This is a good video to play “I Spy”. Can you spy the talking fetus? Can you spy the clearly marked box of heroin? Can you spy what keeps happening to Detective Glover? Can you spy the Nazi Pope?

If you want to be truly frightened, let the end play out. There’s supposed to be…a sequel!

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