Teenape Goes to Camp

I'm not sure if the character of "Teenape" is supposed to be an actual ape who acts like a hip-hop artist with brain damage, or if he's just a brain damaged guy with an ape mask fetish. Don't watch the film with the idea that you'll find out.

The beginning of the film is baffling. Teenape confronts a pirate wench. You’d think it was a tie-in to some other Teenape movie, but it doesn't seem to be... If you're a glutton for punishment, you could check out the Low Budget Pictures website and marvel at their other films like Blood Trim and Heather & Puggley Drop a Deuce.

Do yourself a favor, though, and just skip to the opening credits at 4:30.

A couple important notes:
Most frequently used word: "bitch".

Best way not to pay royalties for music: Use really, really old music, or get your friends' bands on board. What would local bands ever do without bad movies?

Best way to make your grandmother cry: 6:34.

Other notable stops and quotable quotes:
10:00 - "If you remember to not be a dick then this weekend will be smooth sailing."

15:00 - I don't even know what to say about this.

20:10 - Obligatory campfire scene with scary story. "I don't want poopies to shoot out of my butt cleavage!"

28:00 - MMF: Monkey, Man, Female sex. Faux frontal male nudity.

32:20 - Things get dicey for Teenape in a simian-style ripoff of Richard Connell's "The Most Dangerous Game" (and the 1994 movie Surviving the Game with Ice-T.)

39:00 - Tim Conway and Tolkien should sue over "Dorf the Hobbit".

39:40 - What is in the monkey's shorts?? "Anyone who wears the magical 80s headband gains inspirational strength."

45:00 - Oh, God, skip this.

47:00 - Even retarded people should be insulted.

55:00 - Baghead appears.

56:00 - The hoax within a hoax that negates the entire movie.

57:45 - The hoax within a hoax now has a twist and an improbably form-fitting pot lid.

59:05 - The hoax within a hoax's twist has a twist.

The Evolved (NR - 2006)

The Evolved is labeled as a comedy, but I have NO idea why. One of the first scenes involves full frontal male nudity, a box cutter, and an actor’s under-reaction so extreme, you’ll wonder if maybe he didn’t realize what was supposed to be happening to his genitalia.

Skipping mercifully ahead (as soon as you see the box cutter), you will find a wheelchair-bound, alcoholic ventriloquist's dummy with a falsetto voice too high for comfort. Keep skipping. If somehow you’ve gotten to Detective Danny Glover (just a character name—do not make the mistake of thinking this film has any real actors) bringing the dummy to bed, do yourself a favor and skip, skip, skip!

This is a good video to play “I Spy”. Can you spy the talking fetus? Can you spy the clearly marked box of heroin? Can you spy what keeps happening to Detective Glover? Can you spy the Nazi Pope?

If you want to be truly frightened, let the end play out. There’s supposed to be…a sequel!