Teenape Goes to Camp

I'm not sure if the character of "Teenape" is supposed to be an actual ape who acts like a hip-hop artist with brain damage, or if he's just a brain damaged guy with an ape mask fetish. Don't watch the film with the idea that you'll find out.

The beginning of the film is baffling. Teenape confronts a pirate wench. You’d think it was a tie-in to some other Teenape movie, but it doesn't seem to be... If you're a glutton for punishment, you could check out the Low Budget Pictures website and marvel at their other films like Blood Trim and Heather & Puggley Drop a Deuce.

Do yourself a favor, though, and just skip to the opening credits at 4:30.

A couple important notes:
Most frequently used word: "bitch".

Best way not to pay royalties for music: Use really, really old music, or get your friends' bands on board. What would local bands ever do without bad movies?

Best way to make your grandmother cry: 6:34.

Other notable stops and quotable quotes:
10:00 - "If you remember to not be a dick then this weekend will be smooth sailing."

15:00 - I don't even know what to say about this.

20:10 - Obligatory campfire scene with scary story. "I don't want poopies to shoot out of my butt cleavage!"

28:00 - MMF: Monkey, Man, Female sex. Faux frontal male nudity.

32:20 - Things get dicey for Teenape in a simian-style ripoff of Richard Connell's "The Most Dangerous Game" (and the 1994 movie Surviving the Game with Ice-T.)

39:00 - Tim Conway and Tolkien should sue over "Dorf the Hobbit".

39:40 - What is in the monkey's shorts?? "Anyone who wears the magical 80s headband gains inspirational strength."

45:00 - Oh, God, skip this.

47:00 - Even retarded people should be insulted.

55:00 - Baghead appears.

56:00 - The hoax within a hoax that negates the entire movie.

57:45 - The hoax within a hoax now has a twist and an improbably form-fitting pot lid.

59:05 - The hoax within a hoax's twist has a twist.

Dumpster Baby

This movie, despite the name, actually has a few positives. One is the soundtrack, which rocks out darkly and is reminiscent of a John Carpenter film. Another positive is that the movie ends on an artsy/creepy note, actually like a horror movie.

Alright, did I say “a few” positives? I meant “two”.

The negatives are that the dialogue is nearly (thankfully?) impossible to hear, they could have done without most of the cast, and it takes more than an hour to get to the horror.

Things to keep in mind:
- Whenever the guy wearing a tie is on camera, it’s BOR-RING!
- The baby handles exactly like a doll and becomes a hot potato. See if you can catch all the passes!
- There are conveniently placed crazy people throughout. Just like real life.

Some lowlights:
2:30 - Woah. She’s…difficult to lift.
4:15 - How did she have a baby through her shorts? ("Tw@t blood" alert!)
10:50 - For which the movie was named.
11:30 - Unrealistic. What guy would stop his hooker from doing that to investigate crying?
25:30 - Rainman’s got the baby.
32:00 - Steve Buschemi’s got the baby.
34:00 - Completely inaudible Zorro gets the baby.
56:40 - Mary Catherine Gallagher finds the baby.
57:20 - Nice glasses. Downtrodden 80s woman has auditory hallucinations.
1:05:10 - Completely naked swan dive onto pavement. Male “Nell” with a sugar high finds the baby.
1:09:00 - FINALLY some horror! Creepy pass-though—Don’t miss it!
1:13:00 - Baby is back in the possession of original dumper. Great Ingmar Bergman-esque scenes.
1:16:34 - Guy who plays homeless drunk gives a very unconvincing, K-Fed caliber performance.
1:16:34 - Hey! It was just a dark cherry gummi after all.

Dirtbags: Armpit of Metal (NR - 2003)

This armpit of a movie seems to be a vehicle for New Jersey heavy metal music. Why else would a constant stream of music play so loudly that the dialogue cannot be heard? Why else would most of the credits be an agonizingly slow meander through the winners of the “Worst Band Names Ever”?

This film is nearly two hours long. Spare yourself and skip immediately to 1 hour 22 minutes and 52 seconds and watch the only part of this “comedy” that has a chance of being remotely amusing: the bloopers.

If you’re a glutton for punishment, here are a few lowlights:
2:00 - See the sofa that drowns out the dialogue even more than the soundtrack.
4:55 - Skip this.
10:00 - Stop here for what might possibly be a theme: “tw@t blood”.
28:50 - Blowing chunks on a Nazi.
56:00 - Offensive anti-gay metal music combined with copyright infringement? Right here.
1:16:00 - A horror and a blessing. A man who should never wear spandex is wearing spandex. Worse than that, he takes some of it off. The blessing is that the movie suddenly and inexplicably ends with a still picture of one of the various Jersey girls and buckets of CGI “tw@t blood”.

Lessons learned:
1) It’s easy to get a New Jersey girl to take off her top.
2) Cellulite shows up clearly on camera.
3) You should straighten up your living room before you begin filming.
4) Aspiring writers—having characters talk to themselves is an easy way to work in plot.
5) Avoid New Jersey at all costs.

Rock 'n' Roll Space Patrol Action Is Go! - (NR - 2005)

Coming soon...

The Evolved (NR - 2006)

The Evolved is labeled as a comedy, but I have NO idea why. One of the first scenes involves full frontal male nudity, a box cutter, and an actor’s under-reaction so extreme, you’ll wonder if maybe he didn’t realize what was supposed to be happening to his genitalia.

Skipping mercifully ahead (as soon as you see the box cutter), you will find a wheelchair-bound, alcoholic ventriloquist's dummy with a falsetto voice too high for comfort. Keep skipping. If somehow you’ve gotten to Detective Danny Glover (just a character name—do not make the mistake of thinking this film has any real actors) bringing the dummy to bed, do yourself a favor and skip, skip, skip!

This is a good video to play “I Spy”. Can you spy the talking fetus? Can you spy the clearly marked box of heroin? Can you spy what keeps happening to Detective Glover? Can you spy the Nazi Pope?

If you want to be truly frightened, let the end play out. There’s supposed to be…a sequel!

Tomcat Angels (R - 1991)

Here's what I can make of the plot: babes with big hair somehow manage to graduate flight school and form their own squadron. Sex is had, and apparently due to lack of sleep Cassie (Callie? Carrie? Oh well, just read it on her helmet during one of the many up-the-nostril shots in the plane-less cockpit) crashes into enemy territory and is captured. Thrill to her many Salvation Army Thrift Store-inspired costumes and romantic escapades with an occasionally-accented Arab gunman! Gawk at the poorly-faked love-making scenes! Scratch your head in wonder as royalty-free music inexplicably drowns out 6th grade literary magazine dialogue! Find out why a spoon in a bouquet of dollar store silk flowers is a dangerous thing! Why waste an entire 85 minutes when you can watch it all in 5?!