Dirtbags: Armpit of Metal (NR - 2003)

This armpit of a movie seems to be a vehicle for New Jersey heavy metal music. Why else would a constant stream of music play so loudly that the dialogue cannot be heard? Why else would most of the credits be an agonizingly slow meander through the winners of the “Worst Band Names Ever”?

This film is nearly two hours long. Spare yourself and skip immediately to 1 hour 22 minutes and 52 seconds and watch the only part of this “comedy” that has a chance of being remotely amusing: the bloopers.

If you’re a glutton for punishment, here are a few lowlights:
2:00 - See the sofa that drowns out the dialogue even more than the soundtrack.
4:55 - Skip this.
10:00 - Stop here for what might possibly be a theme: “tw@t blood”.
28:50 - Blowing chunks on a Nazi.
56:00 - Offensive anti-gay metal music combined with copyright infringement? Right here.
1:16:00 - A horror and a blessing. A man who should never wear spandex is wearing spandex. Worse than that, he takes some of it off. The blessing is that the movie suddenly and inexplicably ends with a still picture of one of the various Jersey girls and buckets of CGI “tw@t blood”.

Lessons learned:
1) It’s easy to get a New Jersey girl to take off her top.
2) Cellulite shows up clearly on camera.
3) You should straighten up your living room before you begin filming.
4) Aspiring writers—having characters talk to themselves is an easy way to work in plot.
5) Avoid New Jersey at all costs.

Rock 'n' Roll Space Patrol Action Is Go! - (NR - 2005)

Coming soon...

The Evolved (NR - 2006)

The Evolved is labeled as a comedy, but I have NO idea why. One of the first scenes involves full frontal male nudity, a box cutter, and an actor’s under-reaction so extreme, you’ll wonder if maybe he didn’t realize what was supposed to be happening to his genitalia.

Skipping mercifully ahead (as soon as you see the box cutter), you will find a wheelchair-bound, alcoholic ventriloquist's dummy with a falsetto voice too high for comfort. Keep skipping. If somehow you’ve gotten to Detective Danny Glover (just a character name—do not make the mistake of thinking this film has any real actors) bringing the dummy to bed, do yourself a favor and skip, skip, skip!

This is a good video to play “I Spy”. Can you spy the talking fetus? Can you spy the clearly marked box of heroin? Can you spy what keeps happening to Detective Glover? Can you spy the Nazi Pope?

If you want to be truly frightened, let the end play out. There’s supposed to be…a sequel!