Dumpster Baby

This movie, despite the name, actually has a few positives. One is the soundtrack, which rocks out darkly and is reminiscent of a John Carpenter film. Another positive is that the movie ends on an artsy/creepy note, actually like a horror movie.

Alright, did I say “a few” positives? I meant “two”.

The negatives are that the dialogue is nearly (thankfully?) impossible to hear, they could have done without most of the cast, and it takes more than an hour to get to the horror.

Things to keep in mind:
- Whenever the guy wearing a tie is on camera, it’s BOR-RING!
- The baby handles exactly like a doll and becomes a hot potato. See if you can catch all the passes!
- There are conveniently placed crazy people throughout. Just like real life.

Some lowlights:
2:30 - Woah. She’s…difficult to lift.
4:15 - How did she have a baby through her shorts? ("Tw@t blood" alert!)
10:50 - For which the movie was named.
11:30 - Unrealistic. What guy would stop his hooker from doing that to investigate crying?
25:30 - Rainman’s got the baby.
32:00 - Steve Buschemi’s got the baby.
34:00 - Completely inaudible Zorro gets the baby.
56:40 - Mary Catherine Gallagher finds the baby.
57:20 - Nice glasses. Downtrodden 80s woman has auditory hallucinations.
1:05:10 - Completely naked swan dive onto pavement. Male “Nell” with a sugar high finds the baby.
1:09:00 - FINALLY some horror! Creepy pass-though—Don’t miss it!
1:13:00 - Baby is back in the possession of original dumper. Great Ingmar Bergman-esque scenes.
1:16:34 - Guy who plays homeless drunk gives a very unconvincing, K-Fed caliber performance.
1:16:34 - Hey! It was just a dark cherry gummi after all.

The Evolved (NR - 2006)

The Evolved is labeled as a comedy, but I have NO idea why. One of the first scenes involves full frontal male nudity, a box cutter, and an actor’s under-reaction so extreme, you’ll wonder if maybe he didn’t realize what was supposed to be happening to his genitalia.

Skipping mercifully ahead (as soon as you see the box cutter), you will find a wheelchair-bound, alcoholic ventriloquist's dummy with a falsetto voice too high for comfort. Keep skipping. If somehow you’ve gotten to Detective Danny Glover (just a character name—do not make the mistake of thinking this film has any real actors) bringing the dummy to bed, do yourself a favor and skip, skip, skip!

This is a good video to play “I Spy”. Can you spy the talking fetus? Can you spy the clearly marked box of heroin? Can you spy what keeps happening to Detective Glover? Can you spy the Nazi Pope?

If you want to be truly frightened, let the end play out. There’s supposed to be…a sequel!

Tomcat Angels (R - 1991)

Here's what I can make of the plot: babes with big hair somehow manage to graduate flight school and form their own squadron. Sex is had, and apparently due to lack of sleep Cassie (Callie? Carrie? Oh well, just read it on her helmet during one of the many up-the-nostril shots in the plane-less cockpit) crashes into enemy territory and is captured. Thrill to her many Salvation Army Thrift Store-inspired costumes and romantic escapades with an occasionally-accented Arab gunman! Gawk at the poorly-faked love-making scenes! Scratch your head in wonder as royalty-free music inexplicably drowns out 6th grade literary magazine dialogue! Find out why a spoon in a bouquet of dollar store silk flowers is a dangerous thing! Why waste an entire 85 minutes when you can watch it all in 5?!