Dumpster Baby

This movie, despite the name, actually has a few positives. One is the soundtrack, which rocks out darkly and is reminiscent of a John Carpenter film. Another positive is that the movie ends on an artsy/creepy note, actually like a horror movie.

Alright, did I say “a few” positives? I meant “two”.

The negatives are that the dialogue is nearly (thankfully?) impossible to hear, they could have done without most of the cast, and it takes more than an hour to get to the horror.

Things to keep in mind:
- Whenever the guy wearing a tie is on camera, it’s BOR-RING!
- The baby handles exactly like a doll and becomes a hot potato. See if you can catch all the passes!
- There are conveniently placed crazy people throughout. Just like real life.

Some lowlights:
2:30 - Woah. She’s…difficult to lift.
4:15 - How did she have a baby through her shorts? ("Tw@t blood" alert!)
10:50 - For which the movie was named.
11:30 - Unrealistic. What guy would stop his hooker from doing that to investigate crying?
25:30 - Rainman’s got the baby.
32:00 - Steve Buschemi’s got the baby.
34:00 - Completely inaudible Zorro gets the baby.
56:40 - Mary Catherine Gallagher finds the baby.
57:20 - Nice glasses. Downtrodden 80s woman has auditory hallucinations.
1:05:10 - Completely naked swan dive onto pavement. Male “Nell” with a sugar high finds the baby.
1:09:00 - FINALLY some horror! Creepy pass-though—Don’t miss it!
1:13:00 - Baby is back in the possession of original dumper. Great Ingmar Bergman-esque scenes.
1:16:34 - Guy who plays homeless drunk gives a very unconvincing, K-Fed caliber performance.
1:16:34 - Hey! It was just a dark cherry gummi after all.

Dirtbags: Armpit of Metal (NR - 2003)

This armpit of a movie seems to be a vehicle for New Jersey heavy metal music. Why else would a constant stream of music play so loudly that the dialogue cannot be heard? Why else would most of the credits be an agonizingly slow meander through the winners of the “Worst Band Names Ever”?

This film is nearly two hours long. Spare yourself and skip immediately to 1 hour 22 minutes and 52 seconds and watch the only part of this “comedy” that has a chance of being remotely amusing: the bloopers.

If you’re a glutton for punishment, here are a few lowlights:
2:00 - See the sofa that drowns out the dialogue even more than the soundtrack.
4:55 - Skip this.
10:00 - Stop here for what might possibly be a theme: “tw@t blood”.
28:50 - Blowing chunks on a Nazi.
56:00 - Offensive anti-gay metal music combined with copyright infringement? Right here.
1:16:00 - A horror and a blessing. A man who should never wear spandex is wearing spandex. Worse than that, he takes some of it off. The blessing is that the movie suddenly and inexplicably ends with a still picture of one of the various Jersey girls and buckets of CGI “tw@t blood”.

Lessons learned:
1) It’s easy to get a New Jersey girl to take off her top.
2) Cellulite shows up clearly on camera.
3) You should straighten up your living room before you begin filming.
4) Aspiring writers—having characters talk to themselves is an easy way to work in plot.
5) Avoid New Jersey at all costs.

Tomcat Angels (R - 1991)

Here's what I can make of the plot: babes with big hair somehow manage to graduate flight school and form their own squadron. Sex is had, and apparently due to lack of sleep Cassie (Callie? Carrie? Oh well, just read it on her helmet during one of the many up-the-nostril shots in the plane-less cockpit) crashes into enemy territory and is captured. Thrill to her many Salvation Army Thrift Store-inspired costumes and romantic escapades with an occasionally-accented Arab gunman! Gawk at the poorly-faked love-making scenes! Scratch your head in wonder as royalty-free music inexplicably drowns out 6th grade literary magazine dialogue! Find out why a spoon in a bouquet of dollar store silk flowers is a dangerous thing! Why waste an entire 85 minutes when you can watch it all in 5?!